Manageability – Pain in the ass.
Martha Stewart has destroyed part of my soul yet again. This time with her crumpets recipe, which had me asking questions like “what the hell is a flan ring?” and “why does Martha Stewart enjoy torturing me?”
Needless to say, I don’t have flan rings. Martha suggests hollowing out a can of tuna, but she must be from 1965 because tuna cans don’t work like that anymore. Instead, I used a round cookie cutter. One round cookie cutter. A single cookie cutter. For all of my crumpets. And you know what, maybe that was my mistake and it didn’t get hot enough prior to flipping the crumpets. As a result, they weren’t fully cooked on the sides, and flipping them was a mess. Also, how exactly does Martha suggest I pull a metal item off a hot pan?? Burn the shit out of my hands, that’s how. Eventually I gave up and didn’t use all the dough. I ended up with eight crumpets, four burns on my hands, one blackened cookie cutter, and a bunch of loose tuna.
Once again, Martha is out of her fucking mind. These were a nightmare. Just go buy some Thomas’ English Muffins from the store and take a nap.
Ingredients
- 1 1/4 cups milk
- 1 package active dry yeast. Yeast that works out and jogs.
- 1 teaspoon sugar (“helps the medicine go down”)
- 3 cups all-purpose flour, siftedÂ
- 1 1/4 teaspoons salt
- 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
- 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for serving
- Oil, for griddle
- Jam or honey, for serving (optional, but are you really going to eat some dry ass crumpets?)
Directions
- Have ready four 4-inch flan rings, or just use a cookie cutter like a normal person. Combine milk and 1 cup water in a small saucepan; heat to 110 degrees. Transfer mixture to a small bowl. Sprinkle the yeast and the sugar on top, and stir with a fork. Let stand until foamy, about 10 minutes.
- Into the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, sift flour and salt. Slowly add some milk mixture while mixing on low speed. Slowly increase speed to medium-high while adding remaining liquid, until all flour is incorporated. Beat on medium-high until smooth, about 3 minutes.
- Tightly cover bowl with plastic wrap; let stand in a warm place until doubled in size and dough is bubbly, 1 to 1 1/2 hours.
- Return dough to the mixer. Dissolve the baking soda in 1 tablespoon hot water, and add to the dough; mix until well combined. Cover, and set aside for 20 minutes.
- Lightly oil a griddle or large cast-iron skillet; place over medium heat for 5 minutes. Generously butter flan rings (or cookie cutters); place on heated griddle. Reduce heat to medium low. Pour 1/2 cup batter into rings; cook until bubbles rise to the surface and top is dry, about 10 minutes.
- Remove rings; turn crumpets over. Cook until slightly golden, about 8 minutes. Remove; cool on a wire rack.
- Repeat with remaining batter. When ready to serve, heat a broiler, and toast crumpets. Serve warm with generous amounts of butter, jam, or honey, if desired. The world is what you desire.