Martha Stewart’s Croissants

Manageability – Never the hell again. Ever.

Croissants are probably my favorite breakfast starch. They’re light and fluffy and flavorful, I can eat them by themselves or as a sandwich, and I always just assumed they were a quick and easy prep. So when I found Martha Stewart’s Croissant recipe, I was pretty excited. Martha and I are kindred spirits, so she couldn’t possibly do me wrong, right?

Wooo boy, was I incorrect. Let’s get the big stuff out of the way first: this recipe takes two days. TWO DAYS! Don’t think you’re having a tasty breakfast this morning, you better milk up some Cheerios because these have to wait til tomorrow. (I would also like to pause here for a moment and note that one 5-star review from Martha’s website says “…and it only took me 2 days from start to finish!” which is just so stupid. Why is that a positive for you?) But if you’ve got a whole weekend’s worth of free time and you don’t mind the waiting, there’s the rolling. So. Much. Rolling. My arms were burning while making this, and I’m pretty sure there’s a slight dip in my countertop now. Alright, so let’s assume you got past the waiting and the rolling, the measuring and cutting, there’s the folding and forming. I love Martha, that’s always gunna be true, but when she’s trying to describe “folding the inner corners of a base triangle upwards, and spiraling the pointed ends inward while stretching the top portion and folding it in”… she needs pictures. I’m good at reading comprehension, ok? I took the LSAT and got a perfect score in reading comprehension. But these are confusing descriptions, and could so easily be remedied.

Were they good? Yes, they were very tasty, but not as flaky or airy as I hoped. Did they hold? Not all of them, you really need to work on your forming to have all of your croissants keep their shape in the oven. Am I glad I made them? I guess like how you’re “glad” after you get a tumor removed. Do I want to make them again? Shit no. I’m going to pop a roll of Pillsbury like a normal human being.

But hey, Bridgerton got a season 2! As you can tell, I’m a fan.

Ingredients

For the dough

• 1/2 ounce active dry yeast
• 1/4 cup warm water (110 degrees to 115 degrees)
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted, plus more for bowl
• 2 1/3 cups (12 ounces) bread flour
• 3 cups plus 3 tablespoons (1 pound) all-purpose flour, plus more for working
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 2 cups warm whole milk (100 degrees to 115 degrees) 
• One shot of vodka, for drinking.

For the butter package

• 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 cups (4 sticks) unsalted butter, slightly softened

For brushing

• 1 large egg, lightly beaten 
• Another shot of vodka.

Directions

Instructions Checklist

1. Make the dough: Stir yeast, water, and 1 teaspoon sugar in a bowl. Let stand until foamy, about 5 minutes. Butter a large bowl; set aside. Put bread flour, all-purpose flour, remaining 3 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons sugar, and the salt into the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the dough hook; mix on low speed until combined. Add yeast mixture, milk, and butter; mix until dough just comes together.
2. Knead dough: Scrape dough out onto a lightly floured work surface. Using lightly floured hands, knead until smooth, about 3 minutes. Transfer to buttered bowl, turning to coat.
3. Let dough rise: Cover dough with plastic wrap; transfer to the refrigerator. Let rise until doubled in bulk, about 2 hours (dough should not spring back when you press it with your finger).
4. Make the butter package: About 45 minutes after the dough begins rising, put flour and butter into the clean bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix on medium speeduntil well combined, 3 to 4 minutes. Scrape butter mixture out onto a piece of parchment paper; shape into a rectangle. Top with parchment, and roll out to an 8-by-10-inch rectangle. Transfer to a baking sheet, and refrigerate 30 minutes.
5. Roll out dough: Turn out dough onto a lightly floured work surface; shape into a rectangle. Roll out to a 10 1/2-by-16-inch rectangle, about 1/2 inch thick, with short side facing you.
6. Place butter package on dough: The butter package should be cool but pliable; your finger should leave an indentation but the butter should still hold its shape. If too soft, continue to refrigerate; if too firm, let stand at room temperature briefly. Place horizontally on bottom half of dough; remove parchment. Fold top half of dough over butter package, and pinch edges of dough to seal.
7. Roll in butter: Turn dough so that a short side is facing you and the seam is on the right. Roll out to a 10-by-20-inch rectangle, about 1/2 inch thick (keep the corners as square as possible).
8. Fold dough into thirds: Remove any excess flour with a pastry brush. Starting at the far end, fold rectangle in thirds as you would a business letter (this completes the first of 3 “turns”).
9. Mark dough: Mark the dough with your knuckle (later, this will help you remember how many turns have been completed, because you couldn’t possibly know how to count up to three). Wrap dough in plastic, and refrigerate 1 hour.
10. Repeat process: Remove from refrigerator, and press the dough; it should be pliable but have some resistance. If too soft, return to refrigerator; if too firm, let stand at room temperature, 5 minutes. Repeat the preceding three steps to complete two more turns (make 2 marks for the second turn and 3 marks for the third turn); always start with a short side facing you and the seam on the right, rolling lengthwise before crosswise. After the second turn, wrap dough in plastic, and refrigerate 1 hour. After the third and final turn, wrap dough in plastic, and refrigerate 8 hours (or overnight).
11. Go to bed with the very real and overwhelming knowledge that this was a mistake. Possibly the biggest mistake of your life. But now you cannot stop. This is who you are now.
12. Roll out and chill dough: Turn out dough onto a lightly floured work surface, and roll out to a 30-by-16-inch rectangle. If dough becomes unmanageable, cut in half crosswise, and roll out two 15-by-16-inch rectangles (refrigerate 1 piece as you work with the other). Chill in freezer 15 minutes. Remove dough, and remeasure: It should match original dimensions; if not, roll out again. If dough becomes too warm or elastic, chill in freezer, 15 minutes.
13. Cut dough: Cut dough into two 30-by-8-inch rectangles (or four 15-by-8-inch rectangles). Stack rectangles, lining up edges (if you have four smaller rectangles, make two stacks).
14. Trim dough and cut into triangles: Using a pastry or pizza wheel and cutting at a 20-degree angle, trim a small wedge from one short side to create an angled side. Cut dough into triangles, each with a 4 1/2-inch base. You should have about 20 total.
15. Cut slits: Cut a 1-inch slit in the middle of the base of each triangle. Separate the stacks, transferring half the triangles to a parchment-lined baking sheet; cover, and refrigerate.
16. Begin shaping croissants: Working with one triangle at a time and keeping remaining triangles covered with a clean kitchen towel, hold the two corners of the base, and stretch to lengthen it slightly. Grasp inner corners formed by the slit in the base, and lift and stretch them toward the outer sides of the triangle; press to seal.
17. Roll croissants: Using your fingertips, roll the base of the triangle up and away from you, stretching the dough slightly outward as you roll to elongate the point (when finished, the point should be tucked under the croissant).
18. Finish shaping croissants: Bend the two ends toward you to form a crescent shape (the ends should almost touch). Transfer to parchment-lined baking sheets, spacing croissants 2 inches apart. Repeat with remaining triangles. Cover loosely with plastic wrap, and let stand in a warm place until croissants have doubled in bulk and are very soft, 1 1/2 hours to 2 1/4 hours, depending on the temperature of room.
19. Brush with egg: Preheat oven to 400 degrees, with racks in upper and lower thirds. Brush tops of croissants with egg. Bake, rotating sheets halfway through, until croissants are puffed and golden brown, 20 to 25 minutes. Let cool slightly on sheets on wire racks. Serve warm or at room temperature.
20. Throw yourself into a ravine or nearby ditch, and allow yourself to disappear from humanity for a while to try and recover. You have become evil, the destroyer of joy.