Food, Folks, and Fun’s Beef Negimaki

Manageability – Food, Folks, and Bull Shit.

Look, I’m not stupid. I’m a smart person. I went to law school, and I can almost always figure out how a magician does a trick. So I refuse to allow this recipe to make me feel like a damn fool. But something must have gone wrong, because Food Folks and Fun’s Beef Negimaki was kind of a disaster.

So what went wrong? First, the beef does not pound out into nice, wide squares as described. At most they are wonky-shaped strips, which do not lend themselves to being rolled. The directions are not clear on how to arrange the beef strips and scallions for rolling. We laid our beef left-to-right, with the scallions left-to-right along the beef (parallel). This means when you roll them up together they will undo very easily. Rather than 3 toothpicks, we used like 15. It’s possible that the directions intend for you to lay the beef top-to-bottom, with the scallions left-to-right (perpendicular), so that you roll up the beef strips onto themselves?

Which leads me to my next note. Why did we even cut the beef into strips in the first place? If we are just mashing three strips together into one large square, why didn’t we just cut large squares? Hey, wouldn’t it be easier to just roll one square of beef than three haphazard strips? Yes, Food, Forks and Fun! It would be!

Fun fact: grating ginger sucks. It barely works, it takes forever, and it’s too messy to fall out of the grater. In the immortal words of Tony the Tiger, “ginger is NOT grrrrrrate!”

And finally, when’s the last time you tried to cook anything on the stove top that had toothpicks sticking out of it? It is im-possible to get these little suckers to lay flat and cook evenly because you’re constantly trying to navigate toothpick obstructions. Think about if you wanted to cook a sea mine on a cast iron grill. It’s spiky and awkward, but also this is loose and falling apart as you cook it. Your beef will not be consistent.

Look, the directions aren’t super-clear, and also these are a bitch to cook. And I’m not stupid. I know how to properly use words like “parallel” and “perpendicular”. So, see? Smart.

Ingredients

• 1 ½ pounds flank steak
• 1 bunch scallions trimmed and cut in half
• ½ cup soy sauce
• ⅓ cup Mizkan Mirin
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 Tablespoon grated ginger
• 1 Tablespoon vegetable or canola oil
• 2 cups of cooked white rice
• 1 Gypsum Rice Baller
• Just kidding, there’s no such thing as a Gypsum Rice Baller
• Sesame seeds optional

Instructions

SLICE AND POUND THE STEAK:

1. Unwrap the steak, trim it, pat it dry with paper towels, and then place it on a plate. Put the steak in the freezer for 30 minutes.
2. After 30 minutes, thinly slice the steak against the grain on an angle into pieces 1 ½ to 2 inches wide and ½ to 1 inch in thickness. 
3. Place three pieces of meat on a piece of parchment or plastic wrap. Top with another piece of parchment or plastic wrap. 
4. Pound the meat so that it is about 3/16-inch in thickness. 3/16-inch and not a sliver under! Repeat with the remaining pieces of meat. 

MAKE ROLLS:

1. Layer 3 pieces of meat on a cutting board to create a 7 to 8-inch square. 
2. Lay 3 scallions, with the white parts facing out, on the meat.
3. Starting with the bottom edge, roll the meat and scallions into a tight cylinder. Secure the roll with three toothpicks. Repeat with the remaining beef and scallions. 

MAKE MARINADE & MARINADE ROLLS:

1. In a small bowl, whisk together soy sauce, mirin, sugar, and ginger. 
2. Place the rolls in a baking dish and pour the marinade over the meat rolls. Turn the rolls to coat in the marinade. Let them sit in the marinade at room temperature for 15 minutes. 

COOK ROLLS:

1. Add oil to a large skillet and heat over medium-high heat. Remove the rolls from the marinade and place them into the hot skillet (set the marinade aside, you’ll need it later).
2. For medium-rare Negimaki, cook for 5-6 minutes, turning occasionally. For Medium cook for 6-7 minutes, and medium-well for 7-8 minutes. 
3. Remove the rolls from the pan and tent with foil on a cutting board. 

MAKE SAUCE:

1. Add remaining marinade to the hot pan and cook until it has reduced and is syrupy, about 2 minutes (the sauce will thicken as it cools).

FINISH ROLLS:

1. Remove the toothpicks from the rolls and slice each roll into 4-5 pieces. Arrange the sliced rolls on a plate and serve with sauce, rice, and a sprinkling of sesame seeds (optional). 
2. Call the police, and warn them that you are about to murder the person who wrote this recipe.